For the past several months I have watched my husband expose his inner thoughts for the world to see. I have watched him struggle with revealing what we tend to keep inside, and at times I have envied him. Sometimes, when I felt I would burst if I would not share what was within me, I would hijack his blog and post as a visitor. However it is time I begin to document my story, on my own terms. It is funny I am well known as one who is fearless in asking questions, but when I find the answers to the questions matter most to me I hesitate to ask. The answers to these questions can set us on a path of hurt, realization, or derail what we believed to be a true foundation. I am long past the point of just accepting what people tell me because they are in a position of authority, and it is also time I stopped relying on others to dictate what I should believe as truth.
The past few months have found us without a “church home”. This is an uncomfortable place to be for someone who has spent my entire adult life, and most of my adolescence inside these church walls. I have learned some hard lessons: I am not as loving as I thought, words hurt, and not everyone likes or even loves me. I am past the point of allowing these lessons control my life, so to heal I removed myself from the hamster wheel of outward proper action and hidden pain. So here I stood, outside the door of the “safety” I knew and staring at a path that I instinctively knew would be a hard journey. And for a while this is where I have stayed. Refusing to go back inside, but too fearful of how to handle the world I really knew very little about.
There are core things I believe as Truth and that has not changed. However, I have chosen to tear down the house I have built that served both as a shelter and as a prison. Now begins the process of building something new. I plan to document this journey on this blog and it is my hope that it will be healing for me and helpful for others. Feel free to share your thoughts as I look forward to honest dialogue because I know I am not the only one who is in the process of rebuilding with no construction experience!